Dear Crosswalkers, Last week's email about the evil of Domestic Abuse garnered a host of responses. I'm happy to say that all of them were positive and appreciative. Several women shared their stories of being abused, and how they lived for years in quiet fear. Others shared how their churches didn't help, but rather sided with the abuser and made the situation worse. Many others wrote and said they would offer their homes as a sanctuary for any woman who wants to flee her abuser.
As promised, this week we need to look at "How to Love an abuser." Now some of you will wince at these words. "Love an abuser? Impossible!" No, it is not impossible. The Lord of Love said, "Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute (abuse) you" (See Matthew 5:44). So the question isn't "Should I love my abuser?" but rather "How Should I love my abuser?"
To begin with, let's look at How NOT to love an abuser.
For this, we need to be introduced to "the Stockholm Syndrome," Police and psychologists are well aware of this disturbing phenomenon. It refers to the emotional bonding that takes place psychologically between an abuser and the victim. On August 23rd, 1973 two criminals toting machine guns entered a bank in Stockholm, Sweden. The two bank robbers held four people (three women and one man) as hostages for the next 131 hours. The hostages were strapped with dynamite and held in a bank vault until rescued five days later. An article explains what happened next:
After their rescue, the hostages exhibited a shocking attitude considering they were threatened, abused, and feared for their lives for over five days. In their media interviews, it was clear that they supported their captors and actually feared law enforcement personnel who came to their rescue. The hostages had begun to feel the captors were actually protecting them from the police. One woman later became engaged to one of the criminals and another developed a legal defense fund to aid in their criminal defense fees. Clearly, the hostages had “bonded” emotionally with their captors.
This "Stockholm Syndrome" of a dysfunctional emotional attachment with an abuser has been observed in Abused Children, Battered/Abused Women. Controlling/Intimidating Relationships, Incest Victims, Cult Members, and many others. In fact, this is why many battered women refuse to press charges.
This syndrome has the positive benefit of increasing the victims chance of survival in physically abusive situations. Negatively, the abused person may not be cooperative with law enforcement personnel in bringing the abuser to justice. You can read a comprehensive article entitled
Love and Stockholm Syndrome: The Mystery of Loving an Abuser by clicking
HERE. I highly recommend this article. Note that this is a secular article, but also remember that all truth is God's truth.
Let's get this straight: THIS IS NOT HOW TO LOVE AN ABUSER! This is a psychologically dysfunctional emotional attachment from which the abused person needs to be delivered through the ministry of prayer, the Holy Spirit's healing, and counseling. When Jesus said, "Love your enemies" he was NOT referring to emotional feelings of the heart. Love in the Bible is not a feeling or an emotion, but rather a commitment to act in the best interest of the other person. Jesus wants us to act in the best interests of others. That's how we love our enemies.
For this we need to be introduced to another reality: Tough Love. One of the greatest enemies of healthy relationships in today's world is misplaced compassion. This refers to the rescuing tendencies on the part of the victim that enables the abuser to continue abusing. This is not compassionate and it is not loving. Rather than acting in the best interest of the abuser, rescuing behavior acts in the victim's misguided need to feel good about themselves. Helping someone to continue in destructive behavior is called codependency. There is nothing loving about it.
Here is what victims of abuse need to do. First, they need to tell others (caring family members and friends), about the abuse. Secrecy is the best friend of the abuser and addict. Another "best friend" is a sad misunderstanding of the Bible's teaching on divorce and compassion, some of which we discussed last week. Next, confrontation must take place. Dr. James Dobson says this: "...Behavior does not change when things are going smoothly. If change is to occur, it usually does so in a crisis situation. Thus, a crisis must be created and managed very carefully."
The crises that is created could include calling the police and an intervention with family and friends; but it must also involve the victim moving out of the relationship with no intention to return unless a broad range of treatment is successfully implemented. This could involve many months or many years. Healing may never happen.
The point is this: The abuser must be held accountable for his actions. This is in the abuser's best interest. It is the loving thing to do! For further information, I highly recommend the book,
Love Must Be Tough, by Dr. James Dobson. You can also get some very helpful information from the Troubledwith.com website. You can click
HERE to access the abuse and addiction section of that website. The easiest thing is to do nothing. It is also unloving. The hard way is as outlined above. It is worth it.
Above all, the weapons of our warfare are spiritual, not secular. They involve putting on the whole armor of God (see Ephesians 6:10-20), prayer and fasting, taking spiritual authority, and loving with the love of Jesus.
Love in Jesus,
Pastor John Christie
Earlier this week I read a great piece by Ed Seltzer which exploded a myth that is very popular in the church today. I'm told it is ubiquitous on Facebook, and I have heard it repeated constantly. It is a quote from St. Francis of Assisi: "Preach the gospel. Use words if necessary."